


The Afterlife

by DrownMeOut (DeimosEquinox)



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Don't say I didn't warn you, FFXV Spoilers, I am too lazy for this, Literally everyone - Freeform, Noctis running for his life, Other, Savage Nox Fleurets, Spoilers, The chocobros hosting bbqs, as a wise person once said, everyone hates Ardyn, groupchat, i had to type this twice bc i am on mobile, i should add that lmao, no beta we die like men, normal fandom stuff, relatable, someone had to do it, yay, you know
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2018-12-09 04:53:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11662026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeimosEquinox/pseuds/DrownMeOut
Summary: Noctis is bored.So, he creates a groupchat.





	1. Chapter I

_**Noctis Lucis Caelum started a groupchat!** _

_**Noctis Lucis Caelum changed their name to, 'NoctTime!'** _

Lunafreya Nox Fleuret: Why? 

NoctTime: I was bored 

Ravus Nox Fleuret: You are thirty years old. 

NoctTime: I'm also dead 

NoctTime: And so are you guys 

Ignis Scientia: As if we needed a reminder. 

Gladiolus Amicitia: Really 

**_Prompto Argentum changed their name to, 'CameraMan!'_ **

NoctTime: You mean camera boy 

CameraMan: funny

NoctTime: So 

NoctTime: Incoming touchy subject 

CameraMan: Yeah, Ravus, if it's the afterlife, why do you still have a robotic arm? 

NoctTime: That wasn't an invitation but holy shit 

CameraMan: whoops 

Ravus Nox Fleuret: Solely to make you question things. 

CameraMan: edgy 

Ravus Nox Fleuret: Not quite as edgy as you. 

NoctTime: Guys 

Lunafreya Nox Fleuret: What is it, Noctis? 

NoctTime: What do you guys think of Ardyn 

Ravus Nox Fleuret: He killed my sister and me. 

CameraMan: he totally fucked all of us up, dude 

NoctTime: Yeah, but what if I added him in here? 

Lunafreya Nox Fleuret: Noctis, he stabbed me and then slapped me in the face. He's the reason everyone here is... Well, here. 

NoctTime: He was possessed 

Ignis Scientia: The answer is no, Noctis. 

NoctTime: Fine 

CameraMan: He's pouting 

CameraMan: Why are both of your middle names 'Nox'?

Ravus Nox Fleuret: Google it. 

CameraMan: or you could tell me

Ravus Nox Fleuret: Just Google it.

CameraMan: Ughhhh

CameraMan: Hey, Noct, your perfect for pictures, so you should come down to the docs sometime!

Ravus Nox Fleuret: You're.

Lunafreya Nox Fleuret: You're*

CameraMan: You're* stupid autocorrect

CameraMan: Wow, not even five seconds later and both the siblings are on my case

Ravus Nox Fleuret: Learn proper grammar.

NoctTime: Operation: get the stick out of Ravus's ass

Lunafreya Nox Fleuret: Operation: Stop Noctis's bad puns.

NoctTime: I am,,,,, hurt,,,,,,

Gladiolus Amicitia: Why are those commas?

NoctTime: It's a meme

Gladiolus Amicitia: A meme?

NoctTime: Oh, you guys have so much to learn

NoctTime: NoctTime™ is learning time


	2. Chapter II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Did I mention savage Nox Fleurets?   
> Also, Luna makes Ravus do her dirty work.  
> Dying brings siblings closer together.

_**CameraMan changed Ignis Scientia's name to, 'Chef Boyardee!'** _

_**CameraMan changed Gladiolus Amicitia's name to, 'Muscle Man!'** _

_**CameraMan changed Lunafreya Nox Fleuret's name to, 'TheOracle™!'** _

_**CameraMan changed Ravus Nox Fleuret's name to, 'Big Brother!'** _

Big Brother: Why? 

CameraMan: you're awake? 

Big Brother: Of course. 

CameraMan: it's 

CameraMan: 5:34 am

Big Brother: And? 

CameraMan: good point 

TheOracle™: Why are you awake, Prompto? 

CameraMan: I couldn't go back to sleep 

CameraMan: Ravus, can I ask you something? 

Big Brother: You just did. 

CameraMan: why did you pretend to hate noct?

Big Brother: There was no pretending involved. 

CameraMan: "Nay, it is Noctis and none other." 

Big Brother: Excuse me? 

Muscle Man: Prompto! 

CameraMan: you can't pretend to hate him when you literally died for defending him 

Muscle Man: Prompto, you're going too far. 

CameraMan: I'm just pointing out what was on the tape you guys saw 

Big Brother: Tape? 

CameraMan: yeah, everything got recorded I think 

***

NoctTime: Why is someone beating on the door? 

NoctTime: @CameraMan @Muscle Man @Chef Boyardee 

NoctTime: Good names btw 

Muscle Man: Is that Ravus? 

Chef Boyardee: Flashbacks. 

NoctTime: @TheOracle™ Why is he here? 

TheOracle™: Scroll up. 

TheOracle™: Do you all live together? 

NoctTime: Yeah 

TheOracle™: Why? 

NoctTime: What if someone wants to kill me? 

TheOracle™: ...

Chef Boyardee: Noct, I doubt screaming at Ravus is going to stop him. 

NoctTime: It was worth a shot 

NoctTime: While we're all here 

_**NoctTime added Ardyn Izunia!** _

TheOracle™: NOCTIS. 

CameraMan: I don't know who called Ravus, but I love you because you just saved my ass 

NoctTime: @TheOracle™ why is your brother looking at me 

NoctTime: Luna 

NoctTime: LUNA STOP HIM 

TheOracle™: Run. 

NoctTime: When did you guys even get this close? 

TheOracle™: When you decided to add our murderer to the group chat! 

Chef Boyardee: Groupchat is one word, typically. 

TheOracle™: Do I need to call Ravus again? 

Chef Boyardee: No thank you. 

NoctTime: Ravus didn't even hit me, he just demanded to know where my room was?

Muscle Man: Something just broke 

Muscle Man: And something else 

Ardyn Izunia: Do you have any valuables? 

NoctTime: I have... The book me and Luna shared, my weapons, and my fishing poles 

TheOracle™: :) 

CameraMan: Noct is crying wtf 

Chef Boyardee: Ravus snapped all of his fishing poles. 

Ardyn Izunia: Typical of him. 

Big Brother: Your awful clothes are next, Chancellor. 

CameraMan: I like his clothes tbh

TheOracle™: Ravus, I think Prompto has a camera he rather enjoys. 

CameraMan: did I say like? I meant HATE 

TheOracle™: You're learning. 

***

NoctTime: So um

NoctTime: How's everyone's parents? 

TheOracle™: Ours are fairly well. How is Regis? 

NoctTime: He's pretty good 

NoctTime: He likes Iggy's cooking 

Chef Boyardee: Who doesn't? 

NoctTime: We should have a get together 

NoctTime: Like, everyone in the chat including our families 

TheOracle™: Ahem. 

Ardyn Izunia: I would love to get reacquainted with all of you. 

_**Big Brother changed Ardyn Izunia's name to, Niflheim'sBitch!** _

NoctTime: Damn, princess 

Big Brother: I heard you just bought a new fishing pole. 

NoctTime: I MEANT PRINCE 

NoctTime: PLEASE RAVUS

_**Niflheim'sBitch changed Big Brother's name to, TheWhoreofNiflheim!** _

TheWhoreofNiflheim: You are confusing me with Loqi, I'm afraid. 

Niflheim'sBitch: While you have a fair point, I thought of nothing else. 

CameraMan: Niflheim has drama? 

Niflheim'sBitch: Of course! And Ravus here knows it all 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: Not by choice. 

NoctTime: At our get together, we can all talk about our former city drama 

TheOracle™: Tenebrae just has _so_ much drama. 

CameraMan: Was that sarcasm? 

Niflheim'sBitch: Sure. Its royal family had several issues. 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: Would anyone like to come with as I burn Izunia's house down? 

CameraMan: Me! 

TheOracle™: I will. 

NoctTime: No one is burning anyone's house down 

Niflheim'sBitch: Will you write me a letter as you do? 

NoctTime: Ya'll need to stop coming at each other

Chef Boyardee: I think you mean y'all. 

NoctTime: NO. Y A ' L L 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: I would betray my family first. 

NoctTime: GUYS

Chef Boyardee: That's it! 

Chef Boyardee: I've come up with a new recipe. 

TheOracle™: Well, Ravus just made a roast. 

CameraMan: I think we all need a nap 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: I need better alcohol. 

TheOracle™: Just take what Noctis was drinking when he put Ardyn in here. 

NoctTime: I wasn't drinking anything 

TheOracle™: Shocking. 

_**NoctTime changed the chat's name to 'The Afterlife!'** _

NoctTime: There we go 

NoctTime: I kept clicking on Ardyn's chatbox bc he's the first name to show up 

Chef Boyardee: Bc? 

NoctTime: Because 

NoctTime: We should all go fishing together 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: And here I thought you were thirty. 

NoctTime: I am? 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: Strange, I would have thought you were seventy-five thanks to your hobbies. 

NoctTime: I honestly came out to have a good time and I am feeling so attacked right now

Muscle Man: I will protect you 

NoctTime: You didn't protect my fucking fishing poles 

Chef Boyardee: Watch your language. 

Muscle Man: That wasn't part of the contract 

TheOracle™: I think you need a new hobby, Noct. 

NoctTime: Luna :( 

TheOracle™: Noct. 

NoctTime: Luna :( 

TheOracle™: Noct. 

NoctTime: Luna :( 

TheOracle™: Noct. 

NoctTime: Luna :( 

TheOracle™: Noct. 

Muscle Man: I think Luna has a point 

CameraMan: I agree, sorry dude 

Chef Boyardee: Perhaps it is not the best time to inform him of this. He is still mourning the loss of his fishing poles. 

NoctTime: You mean it is _noct_ the best time 

Chef Boyardee: I revoke my statement. 

NoctTime: Ignis :( 

Niflheim'sBitch: It must be horrible to have those you love betray you. I wouldn't know the feeling. 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: You need friends for that. 

_**CameraMan took a screenshot!** _

CameraMan: straight to Instagram! 

TheOracle™: Nothing about this chat is 'straight.' 

NoctTime: You got me there 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Personally, I love Ardyn, but I don't have the same anger toward him as those he killed so   
> Also, if you have any characters that are confirmed dead that you would love in here, drop me a comment pls   
> I wanted to add Aranea but I'm not sure if she's a confirmed kill™ (?)


	3. Chapter III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luna is the only sane person here   
> Noctis falls a lot   
> The Niflheim boyband is back   
> Prompto reveals Noct's secrets   
> Gladio and Ignis aren't on their phones because they're normal people   
> Ardyn is   
> Ardyn   
> Anyway, pls enjoy

NoctTime: Guys, story time 

CameraMan: I'm ready 

NoctTime: So you know how I went over to Luna's house? 

CameraMan: yeah? 

NoctTime: Well, Ravus was asleep on the floor

NoctTime: So I walked up to him 

CameraMan: oh no 

NoctTime: And I was like, "A weak shield protects Noct" 

NoctTime: So he punched me in the face and went back to sleep

CameraMan: omfg 

CameraMan: you should have recorded it 

TheOracle™: He punched you because after that, you kissed him on the cheek. 

CameraMan: bow chicka wow wow 

NoctTime: Details 

NoctTime: Why is he on the floor? 

TheOracle™: He got drunk. 

Niflheim'sBitch: Seems as if he wasn't kidding. 

TheOracle™: The only joke he's ever put up with is you. 

CameraMan: @NoctTime come back here so we can watch our lives 

Niflheim'sBitch: Why would you want to do that? 

CameraMan: I liked my life! 

TheOracle™: Wouldn't that take years to watch? 

CameraMan: it's only parts we think are interesting 

CameraMan: you guys should come over too 

TheOracle™: How did you get access to that kind of material? 

CameraMan: we always have, I think you do too

TheOracle™: Interesting. Can you do me a favor and call Noctis? 

CameraMan: sure! any reason why? 

TheOracle™: Yes, he is... On my brother's back. 

TheOracle™: Walking across it. 

TheOracle™: Please tell him to get off. 

CameraMan: maybe Ravus likes getting walked all over 

Niflheim'sBitch: He does. 

TheOracle™: Coming from the doormat. 

NoctTime: Ravus just coughed lol 

TheOracle™: Please try not to kill him. There's no one else who will fix the TV or fetch groceries if he's gone. 

NoctTime: What about Pryna? 

TheOracle™: Then who will relax with me? 

TheOracle™: Exactly. 

NoctTime: I mean, we could relax 

TheOracle™: What did you do when we were watching the movie? 

NoctTime: I kept talking

TheOracle™: And? 

NoctTime: I made hilarious puns 

TheOracle™: Terrible* 

TheOracle™: Also, get off of Ravus before you kill him. 

Niflheim'sBitch: Worry not, he has a strong back. 

CameraMan: what does that mean

NoctTime: L U N A N O X F L E U R E T 

CameraMan: what happened 

CameraMan: don't leave us in the dark, Noct 

NoctTime: Luna yelled "did you sleep with Ardyn" and Ravus gagged so much I had to get off bc I was afraid he'd puke 

CameraMan: I would puke too 

Muscle Man: I want to puke at the thought. 

NoctTime: Stop being mean to my fam 

CameraMan: dude, he killed us 

CameraMan: and he looks old 

NoctTime: W o w 

TheOracle™: Noct, your family does not age well. 

NoctTime: Yours does 

TheOracle™: What? 

NoctTime: What? 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: Quit your senseless flirting with my sister. 

NoctTime: Good morning to you too 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: Shut it. 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: Also, I need the Ibuprofen from the bathroom. 

NoctTime: What's the magic word? 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: Please. 

NoctTime: Omg 

NoctTime: Ravus has manners 

NoctTime: I'm so shocked 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: You will be shocked when I turn you into Pryna's dinner. 

NoctTime: Fine, I'll get your stupid Ibuprofen 

***

NoctTime: GUYS 

CameraMan: what 

NoctTime: I am spending the night here 

Muscle Man: Good

Muscle Man: I mean, we'll miss your presence, highness 

NoctTime: i see how it is 

NoctTime: I 

NoctTime: See 

NoctTime: How 

Niflheim'sBitch: There is a chocobo in my lawn. 

NoctTime: It 

NoctTime: ARDYN

CameraMan: A chocobo??

Chef Boyardee: This seems like a candy in a white van situation. 

_**Niflheim'sBitch sent a photo to the chat!** _

CameraMan: omg 

CameraMan: Noct, let's go 

NoctTime: But I'm hanging out with the Fleurets :( 

NoctTime: Ravus keeps falling asleep, but every time I go to push him off of the couch, Luna stops me

NoctTime: #stopLuna

TheOracle™: Get off of your phone and watch the movie. 

CameraMan: me and Iggy are going to get the chocobo out of Ardyn's yard!!

Niflheim'sBitch: That is a relief. It is tapping its beak on the window. 

Chef Boyardee: We'll alert you to updates if we aren't killed first. 

NoctTime: He's not going to kill you omg 

Chef Boyardee: If you insist, Noct. 

NoctTime: I do insist 

***

_**NoctTime sent a photo to the chat!** _

NoctTime: I get all the boys 

CameraMan: he's gonna kill you when he wakes up dude 

NoctTime: He's the one who fell asleep on me :( 

NoctTime: How did chocobo chasing go? 

CameraMan: great!! I have some great pics of Ignis riding the chocobo 

NoctTime: You're going to have to share 

CameraMan: I will! 

CameraMan: we also met Loqi today, he's pretty cool 

NoctTime: Dude, he tried to kill us 

Muscle Man: Like how Ardyn tried to kill us and did? 

NoctTime: Point taken 

TheOracle™: Did you ask him if he is a whore? 

CameraMan: no! why would I do that? 

Chef Boyardee: Yes, he did. 

TheOracle™: What did he say? 

CameraMan: he looked at Ardyn and said something like, 'news gets around fast' 

Niflheim'sBitch: That it does. Especially after the soldiers get back from battle. 

CameraMan: Ardyn also makes pretty good lemonade

CameraMan: as much as Ignis doesn't want to admit it 

NoctTime: See, I told you guys he isn't that bad 

TheOracle™: Because he makes good lemonade? 

NoctTime: Yeah, making lemonade requires good qualities, like patience and perseverance 

CameraMan: good point, Noct

CameraMan: I think we should invite him to the bbq

TheOracle™: Are you all stupid? He murdered us. 

CameraMan: Ardyn, wanna come to our bbq? 

Niflheim'sBitch: I would be delighted. 

TheOracle™: How do you get Noct to stop groaning? 

CameraMan: it normally takes a little while

CameraMan: I usually just distract him with mozzarella sticks 

CameraMan: why? is he ok?

TheOracle™: He just fell off the couch. 

NoctTime: Is 'fell' supposed to mean 'got shoved by Ravus' nowadays? 

NoctTime: I did sleep for 10 years, so slang might have changed 

CameraMan: hey, can I add someone to the chat? 

NoctTime: Sure 

NoctTime: Maybe they can see the abuse I go through 

_**CameraMan added Loqi Tummelt!** _

TheWhoreofNiflheim: Why? 

Loqi Tummelt: Who are you? 

Niflheim'sBitch: That is Ravus. This is Ardyn. 

Loqi Tummelt: Looks like your titles are fitting. 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: Mine is not. 

NoctTime: Ravus, is there something I need to know? :'( 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: Even if it were true, I do not see why you would. 

NoctTime: You fell asleep on my shoulder 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: I despise you. 

_**Niflheim'sBitch changed Loqi Tummelt's name to, 'Niflheim'sProstitute!'** _

Niflheim'sBitch: Be nice to my family, would you?

TheWhoreofNiflheim: As if I need to hear that from the man who killed him. 

Niflheim'sBitch: You still sound bitter. 

Niflheim'sProstitute: He's always bitter. 

Niflheim'sProstitute: Unless he's talking to Lunafreya or Aranea. 

CameraMan: Aranea? 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: Because they are manageable, unlike you two. 

NoctTime: Who's Aranea? 

Niflheim'sBitch: You know who Aranea is, Noct. 

NoctTime: This is noct the time for that 

NoctTime: Does she make you happy, Ravus? 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: Aranea was pleasant company. 

NoctTime: p l e a s a n t , h u h 

CameraMan: you okay, Noct? 

NoctTime: I'm f i n e :) 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: Stop being dramatic. 

CameraMan: they were only friends I think 

CameraMan: right, Ravus? 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: We were acquaintances. 

NoctTime: Acquaintances, huh? Do shoulder naps mean nothing to you? 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: No. They do not. 

Niflheim'sBitch: Cold-hearted. 

Niflheim'sProstitute: Noctis's memes never stop 

NoctTime: True

NoctTime: Also, please don't talk to me 

Niflheim'sProstitute: Why not, your highness? 

NoctTime: You are 

NoctTime: Not invited to my bbq 

CameraMan: why isn't he invited 

NoctTime: PM me 

CameraMan: why

NoctTime: P M m e 

***

CameraMan: so Noctis has this theory 

CameraMan: about everyone in the gc that used to work for Niflheim 

NoctTime: PROMPTO THIS IS THE G R O U P C H A T 

CameraMan: well they're different theories about each person but 

CameraMan: I don't agree with him on this one but he thinks Loqi is 

NoctTime: PROM

NoctTime: PROMPTO STOP 

CameraMan: a bitch that's trying to 'seal his man'? (Idk who that is) 

CameraMan: Sorry, it cut off 

CameraMan: steal* 

NoctTime: PROM P TO 

Niflheim'sProstitute: Wow. I can assure you, your highness, that I can get whoever your man is. 

NoctTime: Leave me alone 

CameraMan: Noct I am so sorry 

CameraMan: I thought this was the chat with Gladdy and Iggy :( 

NoctTime: i wish it was 

Niflheim'sProstitute: I'm glad it is not. 

NoctTime: You mean you're glad it's noct 

Niflheim'sProstitute: Not. 

NoctTime: Noct 

NoctTime: I want to throw myself off a bridge 

NoctTime: And by 'myself' I mean Prompto 

Muscle Man: Deep breaths, your highness. 

NoctTime: I'm MAD 

NoctTime: Loqi of all people 

NoctTime: Why 

CameraMan: I'm sorryyyyyy

CameraMan: When are you coming home? 

NoctTime: Nevtrr

TheOracle™: We cannot get through one movie without someone falling. 

TheOracle™: Learn to keep your balance, Noctis. 

NoctTime: RAVUS pushed me off the couch 

NoctTime: klfdajo 

Niflheim'sProstitute: Well, if it isn't Lady Lunafreya. ;) 

TheOracle™: My brother is one cushion away from me. If you send one more winky face, it will be _you_ he's after next. 

Niflheim'sProstitute:...

NoctTime: I wouldn't test it 

NoctTime: I mean, _yeah_ , do it, it'll _really_ benefit you :) 

Chef Boyardee: Noctis, stop being passive aggressive. 

NoctTime: No, mom 

NoctTime: I'm with my _real_ friends, I can act how I _want_

Chef Boyardee: Noctis. 

NoctTime: :( 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm s o r r y for this chapter   
> Comedy is hard   
> I like to imagine Ravus and Luna taking turns casually pushing Noctis off of the couch tho


	4. Chapter IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I find it hilarious when people drop their food idk   
> Also, Nyx joins the crazy

CameraMan: we should play truth or dare

TheWhoreofNiflheim: That sounds like a horrible idea.

NoctTime: I'm game

CameraMan: Noct, truth or dare 

NoctTime: Dare 

CameraMan: I dare you to eat a jalepeno pepper when you come back 

NoctTime: Damn it 

NoctTime: Ravus, truth or dare? 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: Truth. 

CameraMan: lame 

NoctTime: Are you a virgin? 

Chef Boyardee: Noctis! 

NoctTime: I have to know

TheWhoreofNiflheim: No. And I refuse to continue this horrendous game. 

NoctTime: Did you sleep with Aranea or Loqi? 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: No. Why do you care? 

NoctTime: So you did sleep with Ardyn! 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: No. That is _disgusting_. 

NoctTime: Then who? 

Niflheim'sBitch: I would say I'm hurt, but the feeling is likewise. 

NoctTime: WHO TURNED ON THE VACUUM 

TheOracle™: Not me. Cleaning is Ravus's job. 

NoctTime: You mean he's the only one that will do it 

TheOracle™: Yes. I tend to the garden. 

NoctTime: That's fair 

NoctTime: On a scale of one to all of us, how dead would I be if I walked into the living room while he's cleaning? 

TheOracle™: You would be Ardyn. 

TheOracle™: Dead, but everyone hates you. 

Niflheim'sBitch: Such hurtful words. 

NoctTime: The vacuum shut off 

NoctTime: I'm going in 

NoctTime: Luna, I can't find Ravus 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: I am on the couch. What do you want?

NoctTime: I just didn't know where you were 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: I am going to the store later. You are free to come with. 

NoctTime: Really? 

NoctTime: I mean, yeah, I'll go 

Niflheim'sBitch: Aren't you in the same room? 

NoctTime: Yeah 

Niflheim'sBitch: Then talk. 

NoctTime: He usually doesn't talk to me unless I text him first 

Niflheim'sProstitute: Then pm him.

NoctTime: Don't talk to me. 

***

TheOracle™: I'm adding someone to the chat. 

NoctTime: I probably won't like them 

TheOracle™: You do, actually. 

_**TheOracle™ added Nyx Ulric to the chat!** _

_**TheWhoreofNiflheim removed Nyx Ulric from the chat!** _

TheOracle™: Ravus! 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: No. I do not like him. 

NoctTime: You mean you do noct like him 

NoctTime: I just got hit with an onion 

NoctTime: I do noct like him either though 

TheOracle™: And why not? 

NoctTime: He kind of reminds me of Cor and it makes me want to cry, so 

TheOracle™: Ardyn is in here and I'm sure he makes some people want to cry. 

NoctTime: You have a good point,,,,, but,,,

NoctTime: Rave doesn't like him either 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: My name is Ravus. Not 'Rave.' 

Chef Boyardee: Noctis, it seems only fair that Luna can add Nyx. 

NoctTime: Mom 

Chef Boyardee: No new recipes until she can add him. 

NoctTime: Fine, you can add Nyx >:( 

_**TheOracle™ added Nyx Ulric to the chat!** _

NoctTime: Loser 

_**TheWhoreofNiflheim removed Nyx Ulric from the chat!** _

TheOracle™: Ravus, I am going to break your other arm. 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: If you do, I will feed Pryna corn. 

TheOracle™: You wouldn't. 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: Try me. 

NoctTime: We're at the store! 

NoctTime: Does anyone want anything? 

Niflheim'sProstitute: Corn. 

NoctTime: Do noct talk to me. 

NoctTime: Anyone else? 

Chef Boyardee: Vanilla extract and cocoa powder. 

Muscle Man: Cup noodles. 

NoctTime: Noted 

NoctTime: @CameraMan do you want anything?

CameraMan: nah dude 

CameraMan: when will you be back tho 

NoctTime: In time for the barbecue 

CameraMan: good because Ignis won't let me help cook :'( 

NoctTime: Heartless :'(

TheOracle™: Noct, what is Ravus doing? 

NoctTime: Pushing the cart and complaining about how much I weigh 

NoctTime: Why? 

_**TheOracle™ added Nyx Ulric to the chat!** _

CameraMan: hey Nyx 

Nyx Ulric: Hello 

TheOracle™: You need a nickname so Ravus won't remove you. 

_**CameraMan changed Nyx Ulric's name to, 'Bitch!'** _

CameraMan: Now he'll think you're Ardyn 

Niflheim'sBitch: How amusing. 

CameraMan: I'm sorry! Ravus made the joke first 

Bitch: So 

Bitch: How has everyone been lately? 

Chef Boyardee: Fairly well. What about you, Nyx? 

Bitch: I've been pretty good

Bitch: Is Gladio in this chat? 

Chef Boyardee: @Muscle Man 

Muscle Man: Yeah? 

Bitch: Hey, wanna spar if we have any free time? 

Muscle Man: Sure. Gotta stay strong in case anyone wants to kill his highness. 

Bitch: He knows we can't die again, right? 

TheOracle™: No. 

Chef Boyardee: No. 

Muscle Man: No. 

CameraMan: nah 

Bitch: Oh 

NoctTime: Ravus called me priceless 

TheOracle™: What were his exact words? 

***

NoctTime: Sorry, he made me carry most of the bags

NoctTime: He sat me on the conveyor belt 

NoctTime: So he looked at the cashier while paying and said "he has no price" 

TheOracle™: Noct, I don't think that's a compliment. 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: I called you free. Now buckle up. 

NoctTime: :( 

NoctTime: I am noct free 

Niflheim'sProstitute: So you are a prostitute. 

NoctTime: One, you would know

NoctTime: Two,

NoctTime: Do 

NoctTime: Noct

NoctTime: Talk

NoctTime: To

NoctTime: Me

NoctTime: . 

Niflheim'sProstitute: Maybe I will when you stop making puns with your name. 

NoctTime: Uh, no 

Chef Boyardee: He has a point, Noct. 

NoctTime: Stop siding with the ENEMY 

Muscle Man: I don't think his puns are that bad. 

NoctTime: Thanks, Gladio 

Muscle Man: You could work on your endurance, though.

NoctTime: I don't need to exercise anymore 

Muscle Man: Sure you do. We should race again sometime. 

NoctTime: We should 

NoctTime: And as my award (for when I win) you can't pester me about exercising anymore 

Muscle Man: Deal. 

Chef Boyardee: You still have to eat healthy, Noct. 

NoctTime: Fine 

NoctTime: But I also get to eat what I want 

Chef Boyardee: In moderation. 

NoctTime: :( 

Bitch: Diet's important, Noctis 

Bitch: Ignis is right 

NoctTime: I hate you

Chef Boyardee: You may be spending too much time with Ravus. 

NoctTime: You may be spending too much time with Nyx since you two are health gurus >:( 

NoctTime: I'm spending the night at Luna's again

TheOracle™: Why? 

Chef Boyardee: Why? 

NoctTime: @Luna, rude

NoctTime: And because I have to prepare to race Gladio 

NoctTime: Duh 

NoctTime: omg

NoctTime: Rave got me ice cream

TheOracle™: Placing bets on how fast he'll drop it. I say three minutes. 

Chef Boyardee: Five. 

Muscle Man: Four 

CameraMan: I bet he won't drop it 

TheOracle™: I am putting on a timer. 

NoctTime: Rave is gonan kill me omf 

CameraMan: what happened

NoctTime: I droppd my ice cream in his car 

NoctTime: The glare he's givin g me makse me wnht tlo d ie 

TheOracle™: Try cleaning it instead of typing. 

NoctTime: CLeaninG is Ig gys job

Chef Boyardee: And Prompto's. 

CameraMan: yeah >;( 

TheOracle™: This has been a long day. Goodnight. 

NoctTime: Goodnoct


	5. Chapter V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Pour me a glass of malik!"   
> "Why are you yelling at me?"   
> "Just give him the freaking molk!" 
> 
> tl;dr milk ft. florets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I haven't updated lately, so I apologize   
> Also, the song reference is Blurry by Puddle of Mudd

TheOracle™: Ravus Nox Fleuret! 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: What? 

TheOracle™: Why did you get Noctis an _entire quart_ of chocolate milk? 

NoctTime: choco milkk

TheWhoreofNiflheim: They did not have the single serves. 

NoctTime: they did **_NOCT_ ** have the single serves 

Niflheim'sProstitute: So why is he drunk? 

NoctTime: Why are you AT MY PARTY 

Chef Boyardee: This is a barbecue. 

CameraMan: I want to know too 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: I do not know. I am not his father. 

NoctTime: You do noct know

TheWhoreofNiflheim: Shut it. 

NoctTime: That would be inc 

Chef Boyardee: Incorporation? 

TheOracle™: Where are you, anyway? 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: Home. I will be at the barbecue shortly. 

TheOracle™: I want you to know that Noctis made chocolate White Russians with the milk you gave him. 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: What he does with his chocolate milk is not my problem. 

NoctTime: noct your problem 

NoctTime: Also I used your vodka and coffeeeee drink, hoep you do noct midn

TheWhoreofNiflheim: Excuse me? 

NoctTime: nothin' 

Niflheim'sBitch: Ooh, Ravus. I did not expect _you_ of all people to be a fan of alcohol. 

NoctTime: you did noct expect 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: I need it after dealing with people akin to you. 

NoctTime: BURN

TheWhoreofNiflheim: Go take a nap. 

NoctTime: Ok 

NoctTime: Will you be there when I wake up? 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: Perhaps. Then we can discuss how and why you got into my alcohol. 

NoctTime: Gladio needs to be there for that talk 

Muscle Man: Why me? 

NoctTime: In case he tries to M-U-R-D-E-R me 

Muscle Man: You got it. 

Niflheim'sBitch: Noctis, you should really get to bed. You can barely stand. 

NoctTime: Damn, you're smart

NoctTime: I'll do that 

Niflheim'sBitch: I am glad to be of service. 

Chef Boyardee: Flashbacks. 

***

NoctTime: Sooo you guys know how I was napping? 

TheOracle™: Oh no. Ignis, I would make sure he didn't deface your walls. 

Chef Boyardee: Kindly noted. 

NoctTime: I was making these 

 

 

 

NoctTime: So I made some art 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: What... Is this? 

NoctTime: You're 

NoctTime: The _florets_

Niflheim'sBitch: He just said, "I will slaughter that boy." Run, Noct. 

NoctTime: He wouldn't hurt me 

Niflheim'sBitch: You may want to call off your shield if that is the case. 

NoctTime: Gladio, omg! Let him go! 

TheOracle™: Noctis. 

TheOracle™: Gladio is not going to be on his phone when fending off Ravus. 

NoctTime: This means I have to go outside, ugh 

NoctTime: It's not even nocttime yet 

Niflheim'sProstitute: ugh 

NoctTime: I bet you say that every time you look in the mirror, you trash can 

CameraMan: omg Noct 

CameraMan: be nice 

NoctTime: What's "nice?" there's only Noct 

CameraMan: then be Noct 

NoctTime: You bet 

CameraMan: wow, I fell into that one 

NoctTime: Just like Rave fell into my DMs 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: Get out here. 

Muscle Man: Easy. 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: I do not take orders from the likes of you. 

CameraMan: savage 

Chef Boyardee: I've come up with a new recipe. 

NoctTime: Flashbacks 

Chef Boyardee: Do not steal my words. 

NoctTime: F l a s h b a c k s 

NoctTime: Where are you guys??

Muscle Man: In the front yard 

NoctTime: Oh lol I'm in the backyard 

NoctTime: Backyardigans 

CameraMan: no 

NoctTime: I thought that was your favorite show 

CameraMan: if you mean least favorite, then yeah 

NoctTime: I am hurt 

CameraMan: I'm sorry, I didn't mean it! 

NoctTime: No, I fell into the rose bush 

NoctTime: Who even planted that thing??

Muscle Man: You and Prompto did so he could get "aesthetic" pictures. 

CameraMan: roses are very aesthetically pleasing 

Muscle Man: Whatever floats your boat. 

NoctTime: I think I found you guys 

NoctTime: I can see Ardyn's crazy hair 

Niflheim'sBitch: I am glad that makes me easy to identify. 

NoctTime: of course it does 

TheOracle™: Wait. Why am I _blurry?_  

Bitch: Because oceans are between us, but that's not very far. 

Niflheim'sProstitute: Shut your whore mouth. 

Niflheim'sBitch: As they say, 'take your own advice,' Loqi. 

CameraMan: I can't believe Nyx just made a song reference 

CameraMan: 10/10 dude 

Bitch: Thanks, Prompto 

CameraMan: anytime 

TheOracle™: I am awaiting Noctis's answer. 

NoctTime: You're not blurry, you're pixelated 

TheOracle™: Then why am I 'pixelated'? 

NoctTime: I had trouble with your face and had to enlarge the image 

TheOracle™: You are horrible at photoshop 

NoctTime: It was on MS Paint™

Chef Boyardee: Oh, Noct. I cannot believe this. 

CameraMan: we're too good for MS Paint 

NoctTime: Noct me 

Niflheim'sProstitute: Stop. 

NoctTime: I'll sick my 

NoctTime: Ardyn on you 

CameraMan: Noct, you have a bodyguard 

NoctTime: Loqi knows how scary Ardyn can be 

TheOracle™: Don't we all. 

NoctTime: Do noct we all 

TheOracle™: Quit it. 

NoctTime: :( 

CameraMan: :( 

NoctTime: :( 

Muscle Man: Get off of your phones. You wanted this barbecue. 

NoctTime: You're right :( 

NoctTime: @CameraMan :( 

CameraMan: :( 

NoctTime: :( 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I edited those floret images   
> The broccoli, Luna, and Ravus do not belong to me I just love all those things thx   
> Also, I'm sorry for what you just put your brain through but I am not liable


	6. Chapter VI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ravus wants to leave but this chat is Hotel California   
> Luna is Done™   
> Nyx gives good life advice   
> Ignis will cut a bitch   
> Prompto makes bad puns at the wrong time   
> Loqi is not appreciated   
> Ardyn gets insulted by salt man but it's cool bc he's mr. crazy hair don't care   
> Noctis has to run for his life   
> And Gladio is staying the fuck out of this bullshit like a wise man  
> Keep reading those books  
> Them romance novels

NoctTime: Sooo, who wants to have another bonfire at my house next week? 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: I thought it was a barbecue, but I suppose. 

NoctTime: Yeah, that too 

Chef Boyardee: No alcohol is permitted this time. 

NoctTime: But Specs :( 

Chef Boyardee: But nothing. It is bad for your liver. 

Muscle Man: When are we going to tell him? 

Chef Boyardee: Quiet, you. 

NoctTime: Tell me what? 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: That you are awful at combat. Have our sparring sessions taught you nothing? 

NoctTime: Yeah, well, you know what, Ravus? 

TheWhoreofNiflheim: No, I do not know what. Why don't you tell me? 

NoctTime: You're almost forty 

_**TheWhoreofNiflheim has left the chat!** _

NoctTime: OH MY GOD 

NoctTime: I BROKE RAVUS 

TheOracle™: Ravus just asked me if he had any visible wrinkles? 

Chef Boyardee: And what did you say? 

TheOracle™: That of course he did. An abundance of them, actually. 

Chef Boyardee: You torture that man, I swear it. 

TheOracle™: Only moderately. 

NoctTime: Sooooo. Barbecue/bonfire. Next Wednesday. No alcohol. No parents. Sound cool? 

Bitch: It's a date

Niflheim'sProstitute: If no parents are allowed, does that mean Ardyn doesn't get to come? 

NoctTime: I said parents, not x200-great grandparents 

Niflheim'sBitch: Ah, Noctis, you make me feel young. 

NoctTime: Good to know, grandpa 

_**NoctTime added Ravus Nox Fleuret into the chat!** _

Ravus Nox Fleuret: I am not speaking to you. 

NoctTime: Ravy boi, I won't bring it up ever again! Even on your birthday! 

Ravus Nox Fleuret: No. I will not have this pestering from you, chosen brat. 

NoctTime: Don't be this way :( 

CameraMan: who's going to be Noct's _right hand_ _man_ if you leave? 

NoctTime: PROMPTO 

_**Ravus Nox Fleuret left the chat!** _

NoctTime: You guys are so mean to him :( 

Chef Boyardee: You were the one who said he was nearly forty. 

NoctTime: Well 

NoctTime: He is 

Bitch: I think you need to step up your game, Noct 

NoctTime: Nah 

Muscle Man: Yeah, he needs to learn how to be polite

NoctTime: I am polite! 

Muscle Man: Nice joke. 

Bitch: You should just be, _more_ polite, you know? 

NoctTime: When am I not polite? 

Bitch: All the time. 

CameraMan: every day 

TheOracle™: Every waking second. 

Chef Boyardee: It would be easier to answer when you were polite. 

Niflheim'sBitch: Noctis, polite? After killing me? 

NoctTime: Alright, guys, I get it 

NoctTime: Ardyn, you have no room to talk 

_**NoctTime added Ravus Nox Fleuret to the chat!** _

Ravus Nox Fleuret: Yes, Ardyn. He has a point. 

Niflheim'sBitch: Impeccable timing, dear Ravus. Tell me, is his point as sharp as Glauca's sword?

CameraMan: roasted  

Ravus Nox Fleuret: Shut the fuck up, garbage man. 

Ravus Nox Fleuret: I will not hesitate to have your head, Argentum. 

NoctTime: And he even told me he approved of you the other day 

NoctTime: Dang :/ 

CameraMan: dude, really? i take back what i said :( 

Ravus Nox Fleuret: You typed it. 

Niflheim'sProstitute: Why didn't he keep his nickname after rejoining the chat? 

Chef Boyardee: Perhaps it registered him as a new chat member? 

Ravus Nox Fleuret: I have no complaints. 

Niflheim'sProstitute: Of course you don't. 

Bitch: You'll be the odd man out in the chat with that name 

NoctTime: Yeah, Ravioli, don't be basic 

Ravus Nox Fleuret: Do not call me that. I am fine with being 'basic.' 

_**NoctTime changed Ravus Nox Fleuret's name to, 'Ravioli!'** _

NoctTime: Whoops :) 

Ravioli: I despise you. 

NoctTime: Suuure

NoctTime: Anyway, the bbq is at 4 next Wednesday 

NoctTime: Everyone better behave. Don't do anything stupid 

NoctTime: I'm looking at you, Loqi 

Niflheim'sProstitute: What? When have I done anything stupid around you? 

NoctTime: I don't know, but you give me bad vibes 

NoctTime: The vibes shift between 'I'd kill you in your sleep' and 'I drank an entire bottle of ketchup on a dare once' so

NoctTime: I go w/ my gut 

Niflheim'sProstitute: Did Aranea tell you? 

NoctTime: Tell me what? 

Niflheim'sProstitute: Nothing. Nothing at all. 

NoctTime: Not believable 

Niflheim'sProstitute: Well, I'm not telling you anyway

NoctTime: >:( 

CameraMan: please?

Niflheim'sProstitute: Uh, no. 

CameraMan: >:(. 

***

NoctTime: I FUCKED UP 

TheOracle™: Again? 

Niflheim'sProstitute: Shocker 

Bitch: What did you do this time? 

NoctTime: Wow, ya'll are assholes 

NoctTime: Okay, so 

NoctTime: Umbra is hree and Specs made us this nasty ass tofu that smell s

NoctTime liek feet 

NoctTime: And I wen tto slide my plate to Umbra

NoctTime: Discreetly, yuo kno 

NoctTime: But it clatteredbto the flooor 

NoctTime: I'm tYping this under the table bc he's staring me down 

NoctTime: What do I say 

NoctTime: What donI do 

NoctTime: Green is scary 

Ravioli: Admit defeat and tell him tofu tastes like it was scrapped from the bottom of a garbage bin. 

Ravioli: Or, in other words, Ardyn's living quarters. 

Niflheim'sBitch: Still holding onto that grudge, you Italian food? 

Ravioli: Garbage. 

NoctTime: I'm _not_ admitting defeat 

Bitch: Just clean it up and you'll survive the night 

NoctTime: ?? Impossible??

TheOracle™: We have a spare room if you need it. 

NoctTime: Thank you, Luna 

CameraMan: whoa, where did these manners come from??

Bitch: I know, it's astounding 

CameraMan: i'm shooketh

Ravioli: Stop. 

CameraMan: shook™

NoctTime: I'm always polite during drastic times 

NoctTime: I told Specs that I'm going to return Umbra, but he doesn't know about me staying the night

NoctTime: Quick, type things to cover me up 

CameraMan: i like tuna fish 

Ravioli: We know tuna is a fish. Just say tuna. 

CameraMan: Ravus is a bitch 

Ravioli: Argentum does not value his life. 

Chef Boyardee: Noct, just make sure you do not crash the Regalia. 

NoctTime: **!**

NoctTime: Will do, Specs 

NoctTime: Anyway, I'm on my way 

Chef Boyardee: Good luck to those housing him for the night. 

NoctTime: :( 

TheOracle™: Thank you, we will need it. 

NoctTime: :'( 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have risen from the dead and provided you all with another heap of garbage  
> Hit me up if there are any confirmed kills™ you'd like to see and I will do my best   
> Eventually I'll just trickle people in but if I dump everyone I'll get overwhelmed so aye   
> Anyway, thank you for reading! I hope you liked it!


End file.
